Bill Self is only recruiting Thon Maker to get his brother Matur Maker.
When Bill Self admits Cin has been calling the offenses and defenses all along, the Oklahoma City Thunder will hire Cindy Self as the first woman head coach in the NBA.
Joel Embiid has been faking the injuries as a practical joke that only Cameroonians get.
Perry Ellis will work at the Magic Castle in LA this summer to learn how to make himself reappear.
The first KU perimeter player to shoot 40% from 3 point range for a season will win the Brady Morningstar award.
Jamari Traylor will be listed at 6-9 and 290 this season.
The KU player that avoids injury the entire season will receive the Andrew Wiggins/Xavier Henry Award for Best Merchandize Protection.
Brannen Greene is the leading candidate for the "3 Switched to a 4 for the good of the team" award.
Svi Mykhailiuk will start a fad in Ukrainean cuisine in Lawrence that will lead to fans eating Borshch soup with Babkas and Bubliks. Concessions at a stand called Baja Kiev will serve Varenyky, Pyrizchky, Holubtsi, Miynsi, Pyrih, Studenetz, Guliash, and Kovbasa. Deserts will include Kutia, Pampushky, Syrnyky, Kyjivskyj, Zhele, and Varennya. The chaser will be Nalyvka.
Naadir Tharpe will rejoin the team and change his major to selfie journalism.
Tyler Self will be listed as a 6-7 and 249 pound lead guard.
Connner Frankamp's scalp will be declared eligible for social security.
Landen Lucas has committed to making an impact this season wearing a crimson mouth piece.
Hunter Mickelson will develop a top of circle three point shot, claim to convert to Bill Laimbeerism, and begin talking about KU being a bunch of Bad Boys.
Bill Self will wear corn rows until the next national championship.
Kurtis Townsend will become the first assistant coach to step up to head coach in his 80s.
Norm Roberts will not be forgiven by Billy Donovan for jacking Embiid out from under Donovan.
Jerrance Howard will have his Krispy Kreme ration halved and dance better with the team after wins.
Fred Quartlebaum will reveal that he is the lineal descendent of L. Frank Quartlebaum, the man who wrote the "The Basketball Wizard of Oz."
jaybate will reveal that there is no place like home, except when the Deep State calls in a drone strike.
The original Naismith rules will not be displayed until the last JFK assassination records are released in 2200.
(Note: all fiction and satire. No malice.)
