The freshmen's penises were caught in their ear holes.
They just didn't play with each other very well. They have to play with themselves better. It's how you play with yourself that determines how you play with each other.
Sheahan Zenger hired me to be the third straight coat of stripper to take this program all the way to bare metal. Cut me some slack. I am doing my job faster than Gill or Weis, and for less money.
Call me the third phase of Zenger's Hat Trick of Despair.
I keep telling the kids that there is more to football than Onanism, but they're just not listening yet.
If you don't score in football, you are always playing for ties. But a tie is like auto eroticism with barbed wire.
Look, I was only hired, because Mangino needed another year of weight loss before coming back.
Zenger makes us wear these bird helmets. How can anyone coach and look at those things at the same time?
Even nymphomaniacs aren't attracted to us right now.
jaybate 1.0 gives us less support than a jock made of bungee cord.
Kansas just ain't Alta Texas. We aren't even Baja North Dakota.
Even Elon Musk couldn't turn this program around.
Even GM and a Federal Bailout couldn't turn this program around.
Even Sergei Brin and Larry Page gave up searching for a solution to our problems.
At least the eyes of Texas aren't upon us.
I'm waiting for DOT.COM BUBBLE 2.0 to burst before making our move.
Think of me as theme and variation on futility. Kind of a fugue in D Minor at Memorial Stadium in autumn. Taps at Dawn.
We didn't block, or tackle, aggressively. We didn't even masturbate aggressively. But I've seen them do all three in practice, so I know there is hope.
I resent our team being called Beaty's Beat Offs. We're better than that.
(Note: all fiction and frustration. No malice.)