Norm Roberts deserves MEGA STROKES for the whole Joel Embiid phenomenon.
Norm was down in Gainesville licking wounds from his railroading at St. John's by the Wrong Way types shutting off his recruiting spigot. He had been given a job by Billy Donovan, who by the way was an absolute man for giving him a job at that time, because the wrong way guys appeared to be really intimidating anyone that dared stand up for anyone they had smighted.
So: in the no good deed goes unpunished department, Norm is recruiting for Billy and he finds Joel Embiid landing in his flipping back yard. Norm no doubt went gametes to the walls for Joel.
Then Self says, "Oh, Normie, I want you back in Larrie looking after the bigs, since Danny's gone down to Cyberspy Tech of Tulsa, OK to try a head job."
So: Norm jumps into Mannings enormous flipping big man coaching shoes, shoes of a size many doubted could be filled by Self himself.
Enter New York Norm with the brass in his kanakas that had gotten him out of the Apple as a young coach and kept him going through thick and thin.
Norm proceeds to keep Jeff Withey getting better to the tune of becoming one of KU's all time shot blockers and alterers.
Norm doesn't stop with Withey either.
Self gives his old pal a 3 to play the four named Perry Ellis. Norm had to shake his brain case and mouth silently, "Thanks ol'pal. Just what I need. A finesse 3 playing power forward with a William Powell playing 5."
Self says, "Norm, that's not the worst of it. Perry isn't even ready. Perry doesn't even talk yet. The guy you're really going to have to get it done with is a transfer from the College of Lay Out and Year and Hope. And before that he was from Loyola Marymount. Names Kevin Young. Has no J to speak of. Makes mistakes like the guys we used to recruit for Tulsa. But he tries so hard, Norm. You've never seen a guy with the kind of energy he has."
So, Norm says, "What is he? 6-9 and 250?"
And Bill says, "Well, not exactly. He's 6-8, well, we say he is, but he's more like 6-6, and, um, well, he weighs 180...after a big meal."
New York Norm doesn't bust out crying. He doesn't whine. He knows Self has seduced him yet again into coming to his rescue.
So New York Norm rescues Self's broad shoulders and slender girlie fingers during the year of Self's middle aged crazies.
New York Norm creates something called a Block Party. He turns Jeff Withey from skillful shot blocker polished by Danny Manning into nothing short of a shot blocking savant the covers up all manner of blow byes. And he turns Kevin Young in a whirling dervish, perpetual motion machine that perfects the art of going over the back of bigger bigs to average an outlandish number of reebs for a guy thin enough to walk between Venetian blinds without touching them.
Thanks to New York Norm Self gets to keep his string of conference titles going.
Self should have kissed his feet and given him a year off for that big man coaching performance,
But he didn't.
Instead, Self says, "Normie, I've got a hole at the five the size of a fully dilated elephant in child birth. I let everything ride on Kaleb Tarshizzonme last recruiting season and true to his name he took a dump on me and signed with Stumpy Miller in Tempe. I got zip, zero, null set for an experienced post man. Landen Lucas might be ready two seasons from now. And Jamari, well, he's a 3 with no gun playing out of position at the 5, because, well, because I'm queer for guys that can explode out of any position on defense. You dig, Normie?"
And Norm says, "Don't do me no favors, Oakie Boy, I shoulda stayed in Gainesville."
Bill gets all slit eyed and smiley and says, "New York Norm, I need you to pull a rabbit outta your Borsalino, caprice? Whatcha got for me?"
New York Norm says, "Well, m!@#$%f!@#$%^r, how does a 7-0 soccer player from Cameroon stashed away for a rainy day under Donovan's nose sound?"
Self says, "Next thing I know you're going to be saying I'm young and single and Olivia Wilde wants cell phone sex with a spokesman for the hair club for men. Get outta here, Normie. Donovan's got Florida iced, and if he doesn't, then Leonard over in Talahassee does."
New York Norm, who has been keeping Joel Embiid in his hip pocket, in case Self melts down from the middle age crazies, says, "Alright, Bill, order some pizza for the Gulf Stream and lets get down to the Orange Panhandle ASAP. I got a guy you gotta see."
Cut to Joel Embiid's gym and Self's jaw hanging down through the bleacher all the way to the floor.
"New York Norm, you been holding' out on me," Self says. "New York Norm, you've been hiding the next Hakeem from me. New York Norm, this guy is Hakeem with Baryshnikov feet. Full press him. I don't care if Donovan does have him locked up. Unlock him. Get me a meeting with the kids mother. Get me ten minutes with his mother and I will land him without a net. I will have him in the boat and you can coach him up yourself, see? Make it happen, New York Norm. Make it happen!!!"
So he does.
And you know what?
New York Norm coaches the kid from Cameroon UP!!!!!
By late December Joel Embiid is being mentioned for Numero Uno in the draft. Joel Embiid is blocking and altering like Withey with a equatorial accent. Joel Embiid is making free throws. Joel Embiid is entertaining the national media with lion and shark killing stories. Joel Embiid was last seen going for a walk on the Kaw River.
And New York Norm ain't letting any grass grow under his feet either.
Next up Miles Turner!
