Ho-hum: KU captures another national title in basketball; Self grants audience to pope.

(Stolen from the editorial section of my local newspaper)

Jayhawks win 10th straight Big 12 conference title as OSU falls short!

**john calapari served lifetime ban by NCAA for (insert rules violations here) **

note: plural on violations

uk given death stamp after calapari sanctions

HAWKS OUT-STRIP OPPONENTS FOUR GAMES IN A ROW.

'13-'14 HAWKS MAKE FANS APPRECIATE WHY SELF DIDN'T PLAY FRESHMAN WHEN HE COULD AVOID DOING SO

HAWKS DISRUPTION STAT FINALLY >1 VERSUS GOOD OPPONENT

SELF: "DEFENSE WAS SO NAUGHT DECADE"

SNACKS: "TOP OFF THE GULF STREAM, I'M LOOKING FOR A POINT GUARD"

NORM: "WE NEED ANOTHER GULF STREAM, I'M LOOKING FOR A POINT GUARD, TOO."

KURTIS: "SCREW THE GULF STREAM, GET ME AN F-18, I'M LOOKING FOR A POINT GUARD."

BRUCE WEBER: "SURE, SELF HAS PROBLEMS, BUT HE WILL STILL FIND A WAY TO BE ME."

TRAVIS FORD: "I HAD THE BEST TEAM. HOW DID SELF WIN THE TITLE AGAIN?"

THE MAYOR: "THE HILTON COLISEUM IS WORTH TEN POINTS. UNFORTUNATELY SELF IS WORTH 15."

TUBBY SMITH: "LUBBOCK IS LIKE PARIS WITHOUT PARIS."

LON KRUGER: "SELF CAN BEAT ME WHETHER I HAVE ONE EYE BROW, OR TWO."

SCOTT DREW: "I ADMIT IT. I CAN'T COACH."

TRENT JOHNSON: STANFORD, THEN LSU, THEN TCU, WHAT'S NEXT? UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX?"

RICK PITINO: "WINNING A RING MEANS YOU CAN AFFORD TO KICK A JERK, OR TWO, OFF YOUR TEAM."

JOHN CALIPARI: "THE KEY TO COACHING IS TO GET SO MUCH TALENT YOU DON'T HAVE TO COACH."

COACH CONSONANTS: "I'M CHANGING MY LAST NAME TO SMITH."

JAY BILAS: "I'M NO LONGER WORKING OUT AND SLEEPING IN MY BROOKS BROTHERS SUITS."

TOM IZZO: "I NO LONGER ENDORSE CLENCHED FIST DEFENSE."

TOM CREAN: "I AM TOM IZZO-LITE."

STEVE LAVIN: "THE BIG APPLE IS ABOUT TO TAKE A BITE OUT OF ME."

CLARK KELLOGG: "I AM RETIRING."

DICK VITALE: "I ADMIT IT. WHICH TEAMS AND COACHES ARE REALLY GOOD IS IRRELEVANT TO ME."

OLIVIA WILDE: "I ENROLLED FOR SECOND SEMESTER AT KU AND WILL TRY OUT FOR CHEERLEADER."

(NOTE: ALL FICTION. NO MALICE.)

KU defeats Belmont in tournament's first round; KU's 12-0 run in final 5 minutes lays waste to the "B" curse

Villanova stuffed by Kansas 66-40; Embiid's 17-10-15 triple double leads the Jayhawks' revenge

Kansas dashes the dreams of #1 seed Arizona in West Regional semi-final with balanced attack; Wiggins brothers to be reunited

KU silences WSU; Selden shocks the Shockers with 30 points and named West Regional MVP; KU completes Big 12/Big 10 Final Four showdown

Kansas denies 'crafty' Ohio State with late Embiid block; Ellis scores 23 and hits game winning free-throws; Jayhawks will meet Michigan State for title after Spartans survive Smart and Cowboy's best shot.

Jayhawks Win National Championship over MSU in a battle of attrition

KU's Green and White too much for Sparty, Bench scores 30 and Wiggins is MVP with 17 points, 10 rebounds, 6 steals, 5 assists, 5 blocks

Wiggins, Embiid, Selden, Ellis selected to All-tournament Team

Wiggins named MVP of NCAA Tournament

Wiggins, Embiid go 1-2 in 2014 NBA draft

Selden selected #6

@bskeet Haha, I like your headlines the most.

Embiid withdraws from 2014 NBA draft

Says still not used to cold weather, so avoiding all drafts

@ParisHawk I actually saw this posted in the recent replies thing and got excited for a minute.

@nuleafjhawk JoEl Embiid shocks the nation and returns to KU to win another National Title1

Would that be cactus juice you guys are drinking? How would that work with brandy & lemon on the rocks? What the H, at my age I'm game.

NEW MISSOURI AD RYAN ROBERTSON APOLOGIZES FOR CIVIL WAR ATROCITY'S AGAINST KANSAS AND FOR GOING TO SEC AND FOR ANTLERS AND FOR NORM STEWART AND FOR GENERALLY BEING PATHETIC AND VOWS TO BUILD A CLASS PROGRAM LIKE KANSAS

In lighter news:

The campus of the University of Missouri was permanently closed today after seismic activity from last week opened up a crack in the earth, running through the campus and raising the radiation level in the area far above safe human levels. Scientists believe the campus will have to remain closed for 72-million years before it is safe for humans to enter the area.

Meanwhile, university officials have setup a makeshift satellite campus just outside of Columbia, at a dilapidated mobile home park. University spokesperson Mary Jo Snaggletooth commented, "everthang gonna be alrite. This will make life easier fur students, they jest have to step out of their homes to attend classes."